you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
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Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
