you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
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me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it