People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
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Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.