Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
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VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
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It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
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these two trucks have the same bed length
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need