Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

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You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.


Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”





Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.


“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet


I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.


When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.


My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.


People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?


I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.