@BigJDubz

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

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@senorwinces

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

@Professor_Ryan

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

@The_MartiniGirl

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

@Parentpains

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

@iRowlf

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

@DannyZuker

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

@Floatersfinest

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.