Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Flock of bats

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.