Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
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Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them