Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
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WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
remember
only for emergencies
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
This will never not be funny to me.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together