My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
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Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated