Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
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*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅