‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
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My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*