“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
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Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
and now we wait
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection