[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
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In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
smartest karate player in the world
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.