haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
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If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
A French press is when you hug naked
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
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The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!