kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year