SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
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Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
doing some research
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken