when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
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*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”