I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
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so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep