“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
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[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
This made me smile…