DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
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I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink