I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
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If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Thoughts
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
How is it still this week?
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*