Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
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WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?