This made me smile…
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Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
This came to me in a dream.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.