Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
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her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Good morning.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate