ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
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I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
*offers Batman cough drops*
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.