A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again