It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
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“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.