nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
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My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”