If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
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Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
(Jupiter –
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
This could’ve been an email.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*