Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
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This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Same pineapple, same
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them