*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.