*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
You Might Also Like
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater