If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
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Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?