Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
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customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Ingl茅s
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he鈥檚 pinching people
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
OH. COME. ON.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I believe this with my whole heart 馃拃馃
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
My kitchen overserved me.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: why aren鈥檛 you studying?
My kid: I didn鈥檛 see you coming.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?