[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
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Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.