My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
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librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows