I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
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They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
😅😅😅
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
im 7 sauces long
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math