Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
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Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
mathematically impossible
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan