Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
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Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?