Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
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[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:![]()
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
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I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him