Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
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Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
My love language is deader than Latin
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
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