why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
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Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Check your privilege
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit