you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
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[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.