I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
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I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron