me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.


I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”


When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.


sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress


Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?


Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.


[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*


If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.


I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron