me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
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[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.