@Mom_Overboard I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
@ghostkrogh me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
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@Mom_Overboard 
@JermHimselfish I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
@Social_Mime When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
@Love_bug1016 sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
@ScottLinnen Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
@DaddyJew Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
@JefeJK47 Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
@squirrel74wkgn [at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
@ElgatoEsmio If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
@LuvPug I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron