Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
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To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
starting a garage orchestra
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.