I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
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When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I don’t know what to do
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Oh deer
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.