*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.