I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
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Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
My life coach traded me.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.