The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
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I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE