These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
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“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*