Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
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My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
🌱🌱🌱
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
How do dragons blow out candles?
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!