@MissBamanthaa

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

@sofarrsogud

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

@Tmoney68

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

@SirEviscerate

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

@StruggleDisplay

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

@ParentNormal

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

@ericamorecambe

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

@murrman5

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

@DurtMcHurtt

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.