Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

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Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35


Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.


HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.


Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.


*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-


Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize


VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year


Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”


Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.


Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.