Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
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My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No