director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
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men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.