Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
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I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.