My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
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Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.