I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
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Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I think the cat got the dog high.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.