My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
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the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!